Just Me.

Identity

Who we are and who we want to be are two different things.

The latter encompasses dreams we have but don’t quite know how to get there, values we think we can compromise on if only to maintain what we want, ideals we want to live up to because people we love expect them and the pressure to be the best person we can be in spite our internal struggles with our own brand of demons.

People change (their minds, their appearance, their needs and wants), they evolve, perspectives shift….I get that its a part of growing up. I just wish time stopped for a little bit so who we are can catch up with who we want to be…. Or at least long enough until we can have some clarity without our own internal monologue confusing us.

Better Place.

I still think about him. 

I think about how hard his life must have been before he immigrated. I think about how little time he had with his loved ones all in one place. I think about how sad it was that the language barrier, the difference of opinions and his lack of communication made it hard to have a relationship with him. 

I wonder about him.

I wonder how he was like when he was younger - when he had a life like we each have our own right now. I wonder if he had dreams and goals and if he ever got to achieve them. I wonder if he was fortunate enough to have moments of happiness in his life. I wonder if he was content with the life he led. I wonder if he wish he had more time with her. I wonder if he had any regrets.

I remember him.

I remember he was a hoarder. I remember he refused to take showers unless there was a world war III yelling match between him and my aunt beforehand. I remember he used to pick us up after school faithfully. I remember him crying his heart out after she passed away. I remember his body slowly betraying him by not working like it used to … and how it must suck to mentally be functioning regardless. 

—-

The memories of people come in bits and pieces and when you lose someone who is a part of your blood line … you lose a bit and a piece of you. So you allow yourself to remember what you can, when you can and how you can. The trick is to also allow yourself not to feel guilty for things you did, things you never said, or time you never got to spend.

Even more so? The best way to honour those who aren’t here anymore is to live while you can. 

…. I sincerely hope that there is an alternative world à laLOST where after you pass, you go to a special place and wait for all your loved ones… because that would be really nice.