It’s the middle of July and I’m feeling “stuck.” I don’t even know if there’s a proper word to describe how I’m feeling, but “stuck” comes pretty damn close.
I tell my mother I may not be in my job forever. I have also told my mother months ago I had a suitor that I just wasn’t feeling it with. On both accounts, I’ve realized how big of a difference our generation’s perspectives are.
She tells me I am lucky to have a good government job with benefits that I can live comfortably until retirement - and long after that. She tells me i’m lucky because she has worked her whole life in labour intensive jobs with little to really live. She tells me I should choose someone who loves me more. She tells me that you survive better in life on bread, not love.
But I’m not ungrateful for my job. If you had told me when I was 18 I would get to work at my dream place I would have squealed in excitement because I have worked hard to get to where I am. But now that i’m here … I want more. Is it a millennial curse? Am I not capable of being content with what I have - covering the basic necessities of survival and making enough spending money to support my lifestyle? There’s no war waging in my country, I live in relative luxury compared to the majority of the world’s population and I have everything I possibly need. And as for relationships? Well, let’s just say that I’ll always choose to align myself with those that make me want to be better, who I could go on adventures with and someone who not only gets me but i’m comfortable in my own skin with. And while bread may fill you up, love can feed you long after the hunger pains stopped.
…. so why do I still feel like I need to reach the next level of this game of life but i’m constantly falling short on taking a leap - a risk - to get to it?
I tell my friends I just need inspiration. I tell myself I need to figure out what I don’t want to do in order to find out what I do want to do. But at 26, I feel like i’m lagging behind. I’m haunted by the question asked when we were young about “what we wanted to be when we grew up” because can I still feign ignorance of not knowing if I don’t consider myself a grown up yet?
I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. I know. I want to enjoy my recently acquired RFT status. Go on vacation(s). Enjoy life.
… after all, being stuck doesn’t mean I can’t slowly wiggle my way out to solid ground.